Total change.

I really have been neglecting my writing, last time I posted was that I had 5 weeks left before I go to work, well I have been at work for about 6 weeks now. I was also able to book Charlotte's christening and that was last week but I will post more about that later.

The biggest thing to happen is Adam giving up on Charlotte. Well he left in October and things were frost for a while but it was crap having an atmosphere all the time when he came to see her so we started talking again and I think he read into things more than he should because he was always talking about us and when we do this when I told him it would be a very long time before I even considered getting back together. It all came to blows when he posted something on facebook about someone hurting him by saying things about his kids, well the only person who does that is HER and she isn't going to talk about her own kids so I knew she had been talking about Charlotte so I made him tell me what she had said. She said the kids didn't want to see him on the Saturday and he said well his car was broke so he couldn't pick them up Sunday either so she decided to say it was because he was seeing the bitch and the puppy instead meaning me and Charlotte which he wasn't. Then she said so has she had the growths cut out her face yet. Now fair enough she is a bitch for saying anything like that about my baby because she doesn't have growths on her face she has birthmarks but the thing that pissed me off the most is why she knew about the birthmarks in the first place. He said it must have been when we broke up and he was talking to her it must have come out but he doesn't remember saying it. I told him I couldn't talk to him because not only did it piss me off but How did I know when the next insult to either me or Charlotte would be. He said he didn't tell her anything else but how does he know he hadn't forgot like he did about the birthmarks. The Monday after this happened we were supposed to have a meeting at church for the christening and he came and started saying about me giving up on us and that I was letting her win, I told him that she cant win against me because I'm not playing a game if he feels she has won then its because he is playing the game with her. I said I didn't think there was ever a chance of us getting back together because I would always be thinking about what I'm saying just in case he goes and tells her again and what is best for Charlotte is for me to be happy and I wont be happy still living like that. Then we had to go so he was very distant until I went home and he left. Then he messaged saying he knows I had made my mind up but not to give up on us, then after that same crap over and over he said he hopes my new bloke would understand that he would be in my life because of seeing Charlotte, Then he said maybe I would be lucky and he wouldn't be around to cause problems. I said to him if he was trying to say he wants nothing to do with her then to make sure he knows what hes saying because I will not let him keep coming and going when it suits him and screwing up her live, he said he wouldn't say it if he didn't mean it. I couldn't believe that he had gone through so much to see those other kids and spent a fortune on it and I hadn't stopped him from seeing her and he just gives up, the reason he gave up...

He cant stand to see me every time he comes to see her knowing we will never be together!!!!

What the fuck is up with that, he was always going on about a real man doesn't give up on his kids and no matter what the situation you fight for them.

I have been waiting for a letter about him taking me to court but I have all messages between us showing I have never stopped him from seeing her I have just put an end to my own misery.

Well I booked the christening and when I got the date I told Adam (this was before all the shit happened and him not wanting anything to do with her) and in less than an hour his mom says she cant go from some bullshit reason that its johns birthday on the Saturday and so he would have to take his son back to Weston the next day after a party but his mom has to go with him because he cant drive in the dark. This is from the woman who says I was blackmailing her and stopping her from seeing Charlotte when she has never made the effort to come and see her so why should I.

Well The Christening was last week and it went great, I was worried that someone would cause trouble but nothing went wrong apart from my dress had shrunk in the wash so ended up being a little bit on the short side. but I coped. I was quite happy with the fact that Adams auntie Karen came to the christening with Paul, Amie and granddad ted.

 I was going to upload some pictures but it doesn't seem to want to let me so I will do when I can X

I hate admitting

I feel like I'm falling in to depression again, I have tried my hardest to talk to people and try not to fall but i am, I think I'm on the edge right now. I have days where nothing really bothers me but lately i have been really hating the time when my mom goes to work. I know i only have about 5 weeks before i go back to work but in that time i am going to feel so much worse. The day is fine, my mom is here and i can go and do things but it gets to like 4pm and time seems to stop, my dad comes home and I have to take Charlotte up stairs and spend the rest of my night up there. I have to pass my test this year, ideally asap. There is only so many places i can go when i don't drive. I think when i go back to work it wont be as bad because Charlotte will be off with Liz until Adam picks her up or i have to get her and i will have my work to keep my occupied.

Some pictures that make me so happy while I'm feeling so down.

I think I'm going to have to do another Photo shoot very soon, I had some pictures done recently but she really wasn't in the mood so there was only a few half decent ones.

Charlotte has been on her medication for her birthmarks for over a month now and i am starting to see the difference, not so much on her bottom and her back but the one on her ear is definitely getting smaller and the one on her face doesn't grow as much as it used to when she gets upset. She has an appointment with an eye specialist this week just to check the one on her face hasn't done any damage to her eye on the inside but we don't think it has.

I want Charlotte's 'firsts' to be remembered so much that I'm getting her a Charlotte's 1st Easter jumper.

I have been trying to plan Charlotte's christening since November and I'm getting nowhere. i have to go to church on Wednesday to see if the Rev is in to see if she will agree to let us have the christening at that church and then see if they rent out the hall on the side. I have so many ideas for decorations and cakes.

Final picture The cutest outfit i have seen and i must have it.

Until next time x

Where has my baby gone!!!

I hate how fast time is going, it only feels like yesterday i found out i was pregnant and now here we are, Charlotte is 7 months old and we are having new things happen almost every day. In the last 2 weeks we have had 2 teeth come though and it wasn't as bad as i thought it was going to be, she only seemed to suffer in the day, she could just be like me and not give a shit because she wants her sleep, pain can wait lol. With all these first i wanted something different to record them so after seeing someones idea on facebook i went to good old Ikea and got a jar and decorated it and now write all her firsts and the date on coloured post-it notes and pop them in the jar.

Here's my jar you cant really see very well but on the front it says, 'Charlotte and Amy's memory jar 2013'. This year will have so many memories to put in that i wouldn't know when things happened so i will fill the jar and if it works out well i will do it year after year and end up with shit loads of jars that i will have to store somewhere lol.

On other news i joined twitter today, well i actually joined a few years ago but don't know what my name was because I'm such a dork so decided to set up another one, not that i know how to use it still lol, sometimes i wonder if i really am 25 because i can be so thick lol.

I have an official 'going back to work' date now and i don't know how i feel about it, i go back on my usual shift which wasn't the plan, i was supposed to be switching to day shift so my mom can look after Charlotte and then she will bring her to work with her and i will go home with her but they couldn't fit me on that shift so i am staying put for now. I go back on the 25th March so i have almost 2 months left which seems like nothing. I think the main reason  want to go back is to know what day of the week it is lol. I didn't realise you could get so disoriented by not going to work. The one day i had to go for a walk to the shop just to buy a drink because i hadn't step foot out the house in 3 days, i was starting to get cabin fever and i started to panic, it was horrible.

I decided a little while ago that i wanted to change my hair, i know what a shocker, but didn't want to keep going from brown to red and back again, i wanted to go back to blonde. It took about a month to strip it back and get the red colour out but i made it. How many hair colours and styles can you get in less than a year lol.

I have been wanting to get photos og Charlotte done for a while but never have so i am thinking if she is in a cooperative mood this weekend i might take her to have some done. I am hoping to have a nice one done of me an her together an have a decent size print of it, i know that's very doubtful but i can dream.

I am going to give one more note then its off to bed. Even though i was able to have a baby i still think PCOS sucks ass, i am so sick of having to defuzz myself everyday, if its not my chin its my eyebrows and don't get me started on my toekini line (that's everything from tows all the way up if you didn't realise lol) It takes the piss, sometimes i step out the shower and feel like it has dropped about 20 degrees only for the hair to be just as bad in a day or 2. Well i think you have heard enough about my fuzzy bits for now. x

A little bit from what i wrote before.

I have been looking back at my posts from the beginning and i found this post about what my plan was for when i get pregnant and thought i would post the points and see what i have stuck with and what i havnt and why.

• From 12 weeks i will start to tell people, i plan on having a shirt made with an oven on it with a bun (or more if that is the case) in it.
• I did start telling people when i thought i was 12 weeks but it turned out i wasnt quite there, i did wear a t-shirt with a bun and an oven on it to work on the last day before i broke up for xmas. I also wore a few other novely t-shirts at other points in my pregnancy.
• I don't want to know what I'm having as i really don't mind what we have as long as they are fit and healthy. (unless we do have a multiple due to the clomid but i would have to reconsider)
• I was very tempted to find out what i was having but i didnt, i felt i knew i was having a girl from the start, there was the odd time when i thought it was going to be a boy but if im 100% honest i just knew deep down.
• i would like a water birth with minimal intervention (* i will explain below)
• This was still my plan right up until i was admitted to hospital then i found out i wouldnt be allowed a water birth because of the pre-eclampsia. Then i ended up having the EMCS which ment the calm quiet stress and drug free birth turned into quite a bit of drama with drugs obviously but as long as charlotte was safe that was all that mattered. 
• after the birth and i take the baby home i will refuse to carry my baby in a car seat. (** see below)
• I stood by this one apart from once when she was having problems sleeping so i put her in the carseat and she slept through but i hated myself for doing it. I never got the adapters to put the carseat on my pram because i knew i didnt want to keep her in it so i had the carry cot and the seat and i have done really well with this point, she is not in the baby seat very much anymore, its only when she goes in adams car, my das car or a friends car, most of the time she is in my moms car so she is in her big girl seat which is a lot better seat position.
• my baby will be carried using a sling/ carrier/ wrap as much as we can. (***)
• I have carried charlotte quite a lot in her carrier but she was about 6-7 weeks old when she was big enough to go in it because she was so little i didnt feel safe carrying her, maybe if i had got a wrap i would have felt more comfortable. I still put her in the carrier sometimes but its not so often anymore as she is getting a little bit heavy for my back and my boobs get squished lol.
• my baby will be fed on breast milk. (****)
• My logic for this one was that breast mild was better for baby and i wanted to breastfeed and save money but after finding out that breastfeeding wasnt working and charlotte lost too much weight i was stressed and couldnt express so i did what i had to and put charlotte on formula.
• most of all my baby will wear cloth nappies, i have researched different brands and have heard they are as good if not better than disposable ones. (*****)
• I did try cloth nappies but i dont know if its just charlottes shape, the quality of the nappies or that i wasnt doing it right they all leaked and i just couldnt stick to it, i do wish it had worked like with the breastfeeding.
• finally my child will hate me by the age of 1 as they will have their whole life documented from first signs of a bump to videos of bump movement (if we are lucky) to having at least one photo per day to capture their lives.
• This is very true apart from the picture everyday, i get most days but not everyday, i did for the first few months and do try but i dont always get around to it. I did manage to get a few videos of my bump and i took plenty of pictures during my pregnancy.

I actually wrote this back in july 2010 while i was with my ex and after a failed cycle of clomid.

Finally my part two. What i didnt know until i had a baby.

Finally i have got around to doing this post about what i didn't know until i had a baby.

• I never knew just how much a tiny baby can fart. Its like i gave birth to a grown man the sounds i hear coming from my little girls pants its unreal.
• I never knew that all babies poop is so different. Charlotte's poop can sometimes smell really strong but on a normal day it smells like butter. I was going to make some butter popcorn one night and took it out the packet and all i could smell was butter and i could picture her poop, needless to say i didn't have the popcorn lol.
• Whatever your plan is when it comes to your birth and raising your baby it really does all go out the window. My pregnancy went amazing until the swelling started, my birth 'started' a week before i had her, i went into hospital and at first i was told i was in there till the end, then i was going to be started and then i was going home, when i was started i thought ok this is happening at least i can have somethings my own way even if i cant have the water birth but ended with EMCS then i wanted to breastfeed, that didn't happen either. I didn't want her to have a duddy, i lasted weeks then for my own sanity i had to give in. 
• How fast the babies really do grow, Charlotte is 6 months old and she is starting to babble and she can shuffle about on her back and most nights unless she is ill she sleeps through.
• I had heard that conversations will always end up about the baby but i didn't think it was true but it is, most of the time i would like a conversation to just be about me, i know this may sound selfish but im only human.
• I never knew just how competitive people were about their babies, its always, my baby put this much weight on and they are walking and talking and doing algebra its silly, just because Charlotte hasn't got her first tooth yet even thought Logan had his before Christmas that doesn't mean she isn't just as advanced or more so than he is, and when i hear my 2 week old is doing this and sleeps through and what ever then you see them and they look rough as fuck i think if your baby is sleeping through why do you look so tired.
• I never realised just what you can do with one hand/arm. In the beginning when i was trying to breast feed sometimes she would scream so much i would try to feed all the time that i would even take her into the toilet with me just so that she didn't start crying while i was taking a wee lol. I have managed to feed myself, brush my hair, go to the toilet, fed the dog all while feeding a baby whether its when i tried to BF or by bottle.