12 weeks 5 days

Well I said I would update with pictures but never got around to it so I took the time this morning to take pictures of the things I have got so far and I hope you enjoy them.

I know I am only 12+5 weeks but when something is on sale who am I to not buy it to save some money. I think I am being clever if I do say so myself.

This was me exactly 12 weeks. I had gone to get new trousers due to dropping 2 dress sizes in the legs and but department and i think that is getting a rather hefty bump.

This is the little 4 piece suit we got, it was the only one we could find with mummy and daddy on it, all the rest had just mummy.

I love mummy and daddy aawwww

I found this microwave steriliser on sail in Argos and these bottles were less than half the price that i found them in babies'r'us so i got them.

I fell in love with this little blanket, as we are due in the summer i knew we only really needed a thing blanket to take out with us and this one was so soft and as it is white its good for girl or boy, and you got to just love the dalmatian puppy on the cloud.

I was looking for mittens but they all seemed to have very wide wrists and looked like they would fall of so while in babies'r'us i found these that are quite small. One is yellow, One is stripy and the other has animals on it.

Babies first teddy bear. i saw it in the shop and it was so soft i had to get it,  this will be one of 2 bears baby will have from birth, the other one is my bear that i had from my nan when i was little and it is so cute but its in storage at my moms right now so i don't have a picture of it.

In mother care i got this amazing deal on a breast pump, was £34.99 now £17.49 could i really not buy it????

I saw this hat and gloves set and loved it, i know it is quite girly but if you take the bow of it looks  good for a boy so  baby will need hats and mittens when it starts to get cold.

These were the very first things i got, i was not really feeling pregnant as i hadn't seen a midwife, i didn't have no papers or a can or anything so it still felt like it was happening to someone else so i caved in at about 9 weeks on i got these which i think are quite neutral and so sweet.

Look at the little panda aaawwww

We don't have the 12 weeks scan until Wednesday 28th December when i will be 13+3 but that was the soonest they could get me in and they already made the appointment before the time they should do for 8:15 when they said that day they wouldn't be starting until 9am so i was lucky.

I keep having this really weird feeling there is more than one in there, i don't know why apart from the fact that my stomach is getting quite big even though i am losing weight from other parts of my body.

We are also not finding out what we are having, i have always said i wouldn't want to know and to keep it a secret, but when i found out i was expecting i wanted to know as i am impatient but so many people have said it spoils the surprise then so i have been bought around to not finding out, it is hard when you are looking at buying things but you dint have much to choose from until you know what it is, most of the unisex things are plain white or beige and there isn't a great range either. Another problem is the pram i have picked can be in 1 of about 15 colours and i am having to choose a colour that will work with either so that's a little bit hard too but I'm sure we will cope.

We are leaning towards wanting a girl. I thought i wanted a boy as it would be my parents first grand son and think it would be nice but now i think i want the girl, we want a princess.

Now for the bad news. I had worked myself up for weeks as to how i was going to tell my granddad and so last Saturday i went to my moms and when i got there my sister was there, no big shocker really its nearly Christmas. When i went in though my mom gave me a look and i knew what it ment, my sister is expecting too!!!! Now don't get me wrong she is entitled to get pregnant but i am not happy about it, i should have seen it coming, i have never had anything to myself growing up, if i wanted something she had to have it too. I went to dance class, she went too even though she has the poise and grace of a t-rex, I became a cheerleader, so did she, the same problem with the grace, i planned my 18th birthday party, she convinced my family to get me to change it to a joint 18th and 21st so she could have a party as she didnt have an 18th party.....She had a baby the month before she was 18, that's not my fault!!!!! I had PCOS she also told people she had it and it was so bad she may not be able to have more kids, she had one that she should have been grateful for, i didn't even have one and i was told i would need help to get pregnant at all. Now she is wondering around like she has had some miracle pregnancy. She had proved she could have children as she has one, if any ones pregnancy is a miracle its mine, with my ex we had applied for IVF that is how much i couldn't have children so this for me is a miracle. The best part is last Friday she had gone for her 12 weeks scan and they said she was 12+4 even though that has to be a whole load of horse shite because she then went on to say she had the HSG test only 12 weeks ago, i had that done a year and half ago and you have to wait until you have started your period before making the appointment for 14 days after the start and not to have sex, i was also given a pregnancy test as they said having this test would kill the baby if there was one, so how if she had the test don't 12 weeks ago could she be more than 12 weeks. She then proceeded to show my nan and granddad her scan picture and looking like she had the upper hand as i hadn't had my scan yet. Even when they tried to talk to me about mine which was not the great reveal that i wanted she butted in all the time.

I need to stop writing about her as she really does get on my nerves, i thought someone would get pregnant when they found out i was but i was thinking more along the likes as becki (adams kids mom) or sarah (adams brothers girlfriend) but then i should have known better that i will always try to be out done by my own sister....

quick catch up

well i have been meaning to update on what has been going on but i just dont seem to be able to find the time.

well i had a phone call from the midwife last week and when she realised i was going to be 10 weeks on sunday (last sunday that is) she said she would come to me and do my booking at home.

so sunday she came at about half 12 and she was so friendly she went through everything we could think of and said she would fax over my referral for the scan monday morning and i should get it through in the post. She said she was going to put urgent on the top due to the fact i will be having the tests for downs syndrome and they need to be done between 11 weeks 1 day and 14 weeks 1 day so i have until january 2nd to have that done so we are hoping they can fit us in before christmas but as people are pushing for it before then i cant see it happening.

I still cant believe it really i will be 13 weeks on christmas day.

I went from last year having my rant about the ex giving me shit all over christmas (he wasnt my ex at this point) to this year being pregnant with a new man and in a new home and then next year having a baby, it all seems so surreal.

well when i have more time i will try to put up some pictures but hihohiho its off to work i go......

Tomorrow is the day.

I rang the doctors on Friday to see if the results came in and she said she couldn't see any but they normally come in after 11 so she said she will check then. A few minutes later she rang back and said there are some results and the next thing was to make an appointment with the doctor, so the first appointment she had was Monday at 10 past 9, that was quite fast I think. When I asked how quick the results would come back she said as few days to a week and if they were negative then they wouldn't do anything else so I am presuming that was our confirmation. For definite we will have it tomorrow. I am presuming it is a positive as we already have positives and the symptoms so this is just an official one. I need a certificate or something like that from the doctor so I can take to work and give to Geoff so that they can have it on record. Going by my LPD I am 8 weeks today and i am feeling a bit bloated in the stomach region.

exciting new update

Well since the last time I wrote my life has changed.

      I Left my cheating fiancée and found my new partner, Adam. Things seemed to move quite quickly for us but it all seems so natural, in just over a month we had moved in and right now we have been together for 6 months. As anyone who has read my blog will know I suffer from PCOS and was trying for a baby for over 3 years with my ex with no results. When I met Adam I knew everything would be different as he already has 2 children. With this I knew on the NHS there would only be some treatments we could get for free, IUI and IVF would not be funded due to Adam having children so we had to discuss what was going to happen when the time comes that we wanted a baby of our own. There were treatments available like the clomid that we could have tried which with his history of having children we know would have given us a high rate of success if a high enough dose was given. 

      Due to the fact I hadn't been on any birth control for over 4 years and hadn't become pregnant we discussed not using any ourselves due to the fact we are healthy and for us condoms are not really a spontaneous thing really if I must be honest. So after that we didn't use anything, we did talk about having children but we wouldn't be able to get help from the doctor until we had been trying for a year so we were just getting on with life and when my period was late in October I thought nothing of it, I had missed so many before that it was nothing, but in the last about 18 months I was normally on time, so I gave it a few weeks then I did a test, it was negative. I left it a bit longer and was really not feeling great, my boobs were aching real bad, I had no bloating that I normally get when I am about to get my period, I got back ache so I decided to get some more tests. This was Saturday 6Th November so I was a fair few weeks late. We were going bowling and I thought I wanted to put my mind at ease and buy some more expensive tests, we went to asda and I got a 2 pack, when we got to Adams granddads and I needed the loo I thought why not take one there, negative, I thought,'you know what im going to enjoy my night any ways'. so we went bowling but I was so tired by like 10 but i was a trooper and stayed till 12. After that i felt tired quite often so I was having a nap in the day. It got to Friday 11th November and i had enough, i was peeing like every half hour and every time I went there was the last test sitting on the top of the toilet so i decided just to use it, get it out the way so I don't have to keep looking at it. I didn't even wait for it to be done, i just left it on the toilet and went back to watching a movie, when i went back to the toilet again i noticed it, there was a faint line on it. I didn't know if i was imagining it or not so i went in the bin to find the one i had done the week before that was a definite negative and there was a line there. I text Adam who was a work and asked him what to do, he said to ring the docs, so i rang and they said i had to take a sample in before 10 on the Monday, that was so long away so i was working myself up so before i went to my moms to go to work i went to boots and got some clearblue digital tests, if they said negative then i knew they had to be right, so i got to my moms and POAS, it said pregnant!!!!!! I have never had a positive one before so i went and asked my mom to tell me i wasn't imagining it and it was right. So all my symptoms that i was having we sort of adding up, everyday i am getting more and more things, like acid and feeling sick but not actually being sick but i welcome them and am so grateful to be in the situation. 

        I was supposed to send of the sample yesterday but when i got to the doctors to get the sample bottle and tried to pee, i couldn't, i walked home, still couldn't pee, drank water and pepsi max, couldn't pee, ran the bath taps, couldn't pee, held my hands under the running water, couldn't pee, now i had been peeing at least once an hour, but in the hour and a half i had to take a pee i couldn't go. By this time it was too late to drop it off as they need it before 10am so i had to do it this morning, i got up and made sure i had enough pee stored for this sample. I put the sticker on it and filled in the time and date and dropped it off, they girl behind the counter found it funny as i just couldn't go yesterday, lol. So now we wait. When i rang last week they said the results would be back within a few days but yesterday they said it could take a week!!!! How will we cope that long!!!!!!! We are expecting it to be positive but if it does turn out that i just had a dodgy test and im not then i must just be ill. I don't think i am ill though. 

        We have had conversations about what we are going to do space wise in the bedroom and me going back to work after maternity leave that sort of thing but the most exciting thing so far is we discussed names. Last night we thought about it and all the time Adam told me i need to keep the faith and it will happen so if we have a girl she will be called Faith Parker, if we have a little boy he will be Jackson Parker. It may come to the point where were find something that is so much better than this but i think these are really cute. Any ways i am getting ahead of myself really. We do have to wait until we get the confirmation from the doctor so that i can inform work. If the doctors do go by my last period date i may get my first scan by Christmas, what a great Christmas present that would be for us and to tell our families. I'm so excited.

This is the end of the line.

This is the end of the line. It has taken me a few weeks to admit but we were not working. I dont expect everyone to understand but i am moving on and i have never been this happy in a long time. So thanks for reading along and you never know i may be back sometime with the next chapter.

so touching

I had to post this, someone posted it on facebook and i cried, its a must see...Take a look....

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=1355014174247

Date night

Well we haven't had a real date night in so long but after what we have been through in the last week or so we decided it was needed. On this day 5 years ago i met they guy of my dreams and so yesterday we decided to tie that in with our date night. I decided we could go and play pool, i had never played before and so i had no idea what i was going but i tried, we both won one game each so that was good then we went over to pizza hut, where Dave had chicken wings and garlic bread and i had carbonara and one of his chicken wings then we shared a cookie dough dessert. I must admit it was one of the best nights i have had in a while. While we were eating we had a discussion about what we do about the treatment, i wanted to let Dave make the decision of when to pick it up again as i think if it was up to me i would take it all on again and end up in the same situation. Well Dave said he thinks i should try to get the situation at work sorted first which i was told they are trying to have over and done with in around a week due to the people being on 3 different shifts, then maybe see where we are in a month and see if we are in the right place to sort out the forms then, but i said right now i didn't mind if it was a month or 6 or a year just as long as things were not going down hill again.

Life on hold

I don't know how much of my life is on hold just yet but our wedding is on hold. There are some things going on at the moment that we are having to re think. I wen tot he doctors to be weighed and i have my bmi under 30 but not long after i broke down, i have no idea how i have coped in the past year or so, with the infertility then the wedding as well as everyday life and problems at work i feel like i have to be wonder woman sometimes, but i just don't have the super powers to do it all, so we had a long talk and we decided we have to take a few steps back, we are only 23/24 and we shouldn't have to deal with all of this right now especially all at once. I always thought i had to start growing up but i think i have over done myself, we made that hard decision to cancel the wedding but for how long we don't know, all we do know is we are going to lose our deposits we have already paid. Also i am not sure where we are on the IVF. I don't know when we are going to look back and decided to go ahead but we both feel if we don't sort out our lives right now and just take a step out of the hectic live then we would drive each other away, i am hoping that all this time and money that we will be saving may bring us closer, only time will tell.

I will keep you up to date with what we decide.

Im getting there

Almost every week i weigh myself in boots on their scales and get a print out, this week it says i was 13.5 which gave me a low enough BMI to fit in the IVF criteria, so i decided i was going to sort out my printouts and make an appointment to see my doctor and show them, i can imagin thet when i get there and i have to be weighed there it isnt going to say i way that much that its going to be more, but i thought i would make the appointment and tell them my situation as i am kinda getting sick of seeing my BMI less than 30 every week in boots but then still being told its not true. So i will let you know what happens on thursday.

Im so stressed

I really don't know what to do.....I am having all these problems at work and i really don't need the stress right now.
I have wrote about someone called Ewa before well, i was at work on Monday and she waited till about 10 minutes before we finished work to come over and corner me and ask if i had a mental problem, i had no idea what she was talking about but i found this very insulting because i have suffered with manic depression since i was in school, so i don't respect someone asking that. Anyway then she went on telling me i should stop talking about her on facebook because people are laughing at her....i had no idea what she was talking about again, yes i put something on facebook at the time she was talking about but i cant help the fact that she thinks the world revolves around her and that maybe this status wasn't about her, i dont get why people think they can use my personal facebook page as ammunition at work? So i just said it wasn't like she doesn't talk about me or anyone else to her friends but in her own language, to which she said yes she does and we are all women so what do i expect.......erm am i the only one who wants to know why its ok for people to talk about others because we are women but if i did say anything about her why she has a problem with it. Then she went to swear at me but stopped and said she wasn't going to say it because she was not like my mom (my mom swore in front of one of her friends when they had moved her work back just before Christmas) then i said she was exactly the same because she went to say it, then she proceeded to tell me to f**k off numerous times while waffling on about me growing up and stop causing trouble, when i got a word in a told her that she was in the wrong because she came to my work area and left hers just to have a go and intimidate my by standing over me while saying all this and just reading into things that wernt about her. She must have been looking for something to pin on me because she would have read the status then had to click to read more comments from what she told me she had read. As we had words before why would she feel the need to search my page and statuses for unless she was waiting for something to have a rant about. I will put a copy of the conversation between me and my friend that was on facebook so that you can see nowhere are there any names. I got worked up after she walked away when other people started turning up for the night shift so when i was ready to leave i told her if she had a problem with something outside of work then tell me outside of work, to which she flew off again saying i am the one with the problem and i should grow up, i sad she was the one who needed to grow up and how old is she, all she could say was how old am i?..... Well i am 24 this year she is 30 i think 6 years is a lot of time to mature to her standards and her sophistication (not that i would want to if that's how you act). In the end all i could think was she did it at the end of work hoping she could just go home and i would drop it and hoping the head of shift would have already left. I personally think she has some sort of attention disorder like she has to make sure everything is about her even if its not. Not long ago i woke up to people asking if i was ok i didn't under stand but when i went onto facebook i understand why, someone had set up a fake facebook page with my name and commented on every single picture that i was in with the word 'fake' now i have like 400 pictures with me in on there and every time they commented i got an email, looking at the times of the emails it took them about an hour and half and finished about 1:30 in the morning, don't that sound a little bit suspicious as the same week our clock-in cards were being moved. I told all of this to the head of shift nick and he said not to take it further as he will sort it and has it....no it got worse obviously when she was looming over me with her rant. So i rang ACAS who are like a union and told them the situation and what i should do about it, the lady said that it sounded like serious intimidation and should be taken higher which would be to write an official grievance letter to the manager saying what happened and to request a meeting to see how this is going to be solved. which i did. Nick wasn't pleased and didn't speak to me at all last night after he found out i had gone higher than him and gone to Geoff, but what does he expect when he was going round saying he would tell them but did nothing and then last night my mom herd him talking to other people about it. I was supposed to have a meeting today before work but i got a phone call saying the owners were thankful with the way i had dealt with things so far and they would do everything official so i should be getting a letter maybe today to say when the meeting is, i was also told the Ewa was not told about any of this so if i do get any comments from her i know who has told her. I am also allowed someone in the meeting with me so i asked June if she will come with me but it depends when it is now as i don't want to drag her down if it is out of work hours, she knows that i need the fertility treatment and is always asking how i am coping and am i dealing with the stresses so she knows what I'm going through. I have been pushed around way too much in my life and I'm not going to just push it away anymore. The only thing i am really bothered about is when ever one of the polish get told off for anything they pull the racist card, that would hurt me so much because i am the most un racist person in the world, i went to a primary school and secondary school when white English kids were the minority and so i have been bought up to see that as normal, one of my best friends in primary school was a refugee from Albania so how can i be racist???


This is what was put on facebook, where does that say anything spacific to a person? where is her name?
Amy Whittaker
At what age is it inappropriate to look like an over grown toddler???? I think someone missed the memo lol
25 March at 17:47 via Android · Friends only ·LikeUnlike · · View feedback (8)Hide feedback (8).
Hayley Smith and Kimberley Meekcom like this..


Adele Cashmore Funniest status I've read in a while!
25 March at 21:52 · LikeUnlike.


Amy Whittaker Its even funnier if you could see the person its about all i will say is a headband ok but a bow???? And they are like 30 lol
25 March at 22:08 · LikeUnlike.


Adele Cashmore When you mentioned toddler I had the image of a 30 year old woman in a baby grow or something similar!
25 March at 22:09 · LikeUnlike.


Amy Whittaker Not quite but i wouldnt put it past this person to wear something just as bad like a ribbon in their hair with dungrees (cant spell it sorry lol)
25 March at 22:15 · LikeUnlike.


Adele Cashmore This person sounds like a sight to be seen!
25 March at 22:18 · LikeUnlike.


Amy Whittaker She sure is
25 March at 22:22 · LikeUnlike
Any way i could really do with some chill out time. I cant wait for the Easter holidays!!!!!!

i may need a blood transfusion.....

Well AF started creeping in Wednesday morning so i got my moon cup at the ready, it was all ok until i was shopping Thursday morning, i had to go to the ladies and realised my cup was leaking, i thought i was maybe that it wasn't in properly but it was it just ended up that full that it some how leaked, for the rest of the day i wore a pad too, which sort of defeated the object of getting the cup as i didn't want to use pads and tampons anymore. But since then i have just had to abandon the cup, and make sure i visit the toilet VERY often, i mean in all the time i went through not having a period in like 6 months, never have i bled so much, i feel like i am hemorrhaging and i feel really weak and hungry which i don't know if it has anything to do with it but its not fun. I was talking with my mom and she said i am never happy when i had no periods i wanted them so that i could feel 'normal' now i am having all my missed ones in one i don't want them, i know my mom was joking but it is right, but i don't to not have one but i don't want it like this either, i can barely do anything just in case i make a mess.

It is just over a week into lent and i have been doing good so far, i haven't cheated, the only thing i have been having is tortillas wraps, but as it has no yeast i think it should be ok, its not a bread as such so i think I'm good. other than that i have nothing else at the moment.

Love it magazine

I love 'love it' magazine, i get it almost every week and there is always something in there that shocks me. But while i was looking through last week i thought im gonna send a picture of my puppy in to them just for the sake of it, so i went on the website and while looking i found this section where you can apply to try a diet from them, they supply everything and i can be in the mag. i thought why not reply i never get picked for anything right.....wrong....i had a girl from the magazine ring me today asking if i was up for it and i said yea so she will get back to me with more details, wow, i normally never like to really show myself or 'air my dirt laundry' as some may say but, i am so desperate at the moment to lose the weight i am willing to try anything, i finished weight watchers just 3 lbs less than when i started, i felt so ashamed, but for me i always felt like i was eating way to much while on it, like i eat a lot of fruit and veg anyway but as they are no points they dont cound then i was allowed 33 daily points then my weekly 49 and i was using no where near that unless we were going out for something like pizza and they were saying i should be sticking to my points but that was a lot of food for me, especially when i was under the nutritionalist before and they said as long as i was not feeling weak or like i was going to faint and i had enough energy i could manage on one meal a day, and that was from the hospital so from going from that where i managed to lose a lot of weight before to having to eat so much with weight watchers i couldnt put my finger on why i wasnt losing the weight. They also kept talking about how things like hormones and thyroid problems have nothing to do with weight, well that really bothered me because i have already done my research and hormones do play a major roll and this is a reason why someone with PCOS like me has problems losing weight but they wouldnt see that, just the weight watchers formula and it works there is proof, but i just wanted to scream and say please live my life work my work deal with my stresses and then deal with the hormonal imbalance and show me how easy it is to lose weight because im not playing around, i need to lose this weight if i have any chance at a family and even just for that reason only i would try anything but i know starving myself will do more harm than good.



How can i win?????

i wish....

This is something i never thought i would write but i wish my period would hurry up and come already.

I dont mean tk sound negative but i havnt got my hopes up that this is a magical month or anything. I have learned my lesson over the past 3 years not to torture myself like that but i know its coming as it does every month but this time has decided to make me have the worst build up ever.

Bloating is all over the place one minute i can fit in my skinny jeans the next i can barely fit in my loose ones then back to my skinny ones again. My emotions are all over the place too i even got choked up over crufts....CRUFTS of all things. Then there is the constant fear of losing my lunch even tho i havnt been sick i have had that little bit that comes up just to taste then goes back down buy haunts you for hours later with its persistant burning. When will it all end. I know many people would tell me 'maybe you should take a test' 'sounds to me like you are pregnant' i remember those feelings too' well im sorry to be so negative but if i did do a test and it said negative i would probably make the symptoms worse but if it said positive it would probably turn out that i am one of those people who has a dudu test and it is really a negative but thought it would show the line just to give me a heart attack.

Ok rant over as i am at work....

lent

As it is the beginning of lent i have decided to take it serious this year, last year i managed it but i only went with the chocolate as it was something i thought i could do as there would be something i could substitute it with but this year i have decided that i am giving up bread and other yeast products, i know this will be a challenge for me as i think bread is a big part of my diet like a roll with my soup and grilled cheese sandwiches, so i am going to work hard and maybe this will keep my mind on track and i can concentrate on the prayers that's are needed. I'm sure with the help of my mom i will make it.

Now i have calmed down

I was going to post a few days ago but i was just so irritated the post would be all over the place so now i have calmed down i will tell you the story.

A few weeks ago i told the guy at work about needing IVF, i wanted to find out how i would have to approach the managers about time off so that means there are more people who know about it now, well as i have been working the weekends there were others in too and one told her husband to come in and wait for her, this was way before finishing time, but this isn't allowed, she has been told about this before and when other people have had someone in they have been told to leave, but this time when she was told off about it she tried to pull the race card saying this wouldn't have happened if she was English, but it would it is health and safety, so on Tuesday she faced up to Hayley who told on her, which i think anyone would have done, if they had the balls like her, lol, anyway, she was asking what her problem was and was standing above her with a drink, how intimidating does that sound???? So she was told on again and so nick and June went into the canteen to talk but it wasn't just hem they had Ewa in there too.. like i have said before Ewa is our equal she has no superiority over us so i wanted to know why she was let in there and we wasn't, because when they came out June never told us what went on but Ewa went telling all the polish what went on, Nicks reason was she was the translator!!!!! HELLOOOOO!!!! am i the only person these days who thinks that if someone comes to England and doesn't speak English then they shouldn't be here?? I am not racist, and a lot of them are OK but i am damn sure if i went to Poland or in fact anywhere in the world that's mother tongue isn't English i would be expected to speak their language, so why should we be expected to treat them any different. Whenever anything happens their they pull the race card and try to claim, there was one who was let go because she was an agency worker and the extra work was over and she wasn't the only one, but she was pregnant at the time so she was trying to sue saying she was let go because she was pregnant, they do it on purpose because since then Helaina was on the agency and got pregnant and they took her on, its like they are scared of them now. Anyway i am getting off track. I ended up having a huge slanging match with Nick about the fact that he is giving Ewa the ammunition she needs to walk around like she does and think she is better than us, after she had come out the canteen she was over at Helaina's machine and they wouldn't stop staring, i said to nick that this is taking the piss ass i had someone who had set up a facebook page in my name and went along and put 'fake' on every one of my pictures and that's around 400 pictures, and i know it was one of them, so i said to nick that as they are never at their machine they could be listening in to our conversation and find out that i need IVF, how much ammunition would that be to them???? I got so angry about the situation i burst into tears and had to spend some time in the office. When i finally calmed down i realised i had had enough, i really don't care what they know any more as i would just make sure they got in trouble if they gave me trouble. In the end i had got all my anger out i was calm enough to drive home in my moms car which i didn't do that bad saying i am still a learner and i haven't driven a car in a while. Then to day i managed to drive to and from the bride shop, its not really that far away but i had to go through a busy shopping centre but i coped quite well.

IVM????

I was catching up on my google reader today and it started to think about whether there were things like trials or testing that i could look into to maybe get treatment for a reduced price or even free. While searching i came across something called IVM and so i looked into it and it was really interesting.

IVM, in vitro maturation, is like IVF but tailored for PCOS patients, PCOS gives you a higher chance of OHSS, ovarian hypostimulation syndrome, which can be very serious and most of the time needs a hospital stay and a halt in treatment, so this IVM eliminates this. Unlike IVF there are no drugs before egg retrieval apart from one 36 hours before. This is because they retrieve unmatured eggs and then mature them in the lab, then when they have matured for a day or 2 they will remove the hard shell that will have formed and by using ICSI,  intracytoplasmic sperm injection, they fertilise the eggs like with IVF and transfer the one or 2 back to the womb. After the egg retrieval you have to use progesterone suppositories like you would with IVF but that's about all the drugs needed. I also read about the first babies born from this treatment, they were a set o twins from oxford, again the UK beat the world like with the IVF, (please don't take offence rest of the world) and they said it was like a £95 IVF cycle. It didn't explain the whole cost involved but even if that was just for the drugs that's a load cheaper then the £1500 for drugs and being stuck with needles everyday. The only way i could find the price was going onto the oxford fertility unit site but you have to download the adobe package and no mater how many times i tried it never happened so i am still not sure how much it will cost. I was thinking of taking this information with me when i go to the doctors and asking if they had any information on it and if it was available to me or where its available if i cant be funded. Even if it half the price that knocks it down from £4500 to £2250 which means there are more chances of success with more cycles.

I wonder if anyone else has more information on this????

Im stealing again

Not physically stealing but taking peoples quizes and things from their blogs, lol, im so bad but i suppose thats how it gets round so here it is.

26 things about me

1. Age: 23
2. Blog Title Inspiration: the road to motherhood isnt always a smooth one so i thought i would work on that.
3. Chore You Hate: I hate drying up the dishes, i just hate it i dont know why.
4. Day at the Beach or Cozy Rainy Day? day at the beach but not if its too hot as i burn but i love the sand and walking along the waters edge really does do something to you.
5. Essential Start Your Day Item: My slippers, before i go to the toilet or let the dog out i have to get some comfy slippers.
6. Favorite Color: Purple
7. Gold or Silver? colour wise silver but metal wise it has to be gold as silver leaves me with a rash but i dont like the yellow gold colour.
8. Height: 5'7''
9. Instruments You Play: I can play the piano, double bass, drums and i have a violin but not really that into it any more the novelty has worn off.
10.Job Title: Machine operator
11. Kids: Im working on it
12. Live: Dudley in the west midlands which is the uk for people who didnt know.
13. Mom's Name: deb
14. Book Currently on Your Nightstand: Essential guide to IVF
15. Nicknames: Aim, or ame however you spell it its still like 'aim fire'
16. Overnight Hospital Stays? I fainted once at a boat festival, they were going to let me go home but as i had hit my head they kept me in just incase. Then I was in a car accident and was in for 2 days it was my miracle as i was paralysed from the waist down when it happened and i started getting the feeling back the next day. My mom knew how serious it was when they started drawing on my feet and poking them with a pin and i didnt flinch as i have the most sensitive feet ever, nomatter how deep a sleep i was in if someone touched my feet i would wake up.
17. Pet Peeve: Right now its the pregnant girl at work being treated like she is dissabled its rediculous, sometimes i have seen her ask people to get her a piece of card.
18. Quote from a Movie: Forrest Gump: 'momma said life was like a box of chocolate, you never know what you gonna get'. So true.
19. Right or Left Handed? Right.
20. Siblings: Biologically i have 2 sisters & 2 brothers but if i go on the ones i have seen and spoken to regular (or at all) in the past 2 years then i have 1 brother.
21. Time You Wake Up? As i work a twilight shift i dont have to get up early so i get up when the dog gets up or when i wake up, unless i am going somewhere then i get my mom to wake me up.

22. Underwear: Right now comfy briefs.
23. Vegetable You Dislike: Broccoli and thats only because of the texture the little nobbles on the flurettes just seem wrong.
24. What Makes You Run Late: forgetting something like brushing my teeth or breaking a hairband and having to find another one.
25. Yummy Food You Make: Philidelphia taglitelli with parma ham, chicken breast stuffed with cheese wrapped in parma ham.
26. Zoo, Favorite Animal: Penguins.
 
There 26 things about me, some were pretty random but oh well it took up some time.

My appologies

I thought i had to do a post about this today as i feel a little ashamed by something i wrote a while back that may upset people when it wasn't meant to upset, i was just so mad and upset at the time.

I have been reading this blog for a while now and its only now that i am starting to understand the process of adoption and how hard the journey can be, i know the process is different in the US but the emotions and the stress are all the same. I feel ashamed to say that i had a rant on here after being told numerous times that little thing that most infertiles hate to hear, 'you should adopt', 'you can always adopt' ' there are loads of kids that people don't want, why don't you adopt them'. I was sick of hearing this. From reading the above blog i have learned that you don't just decide to adopt there are so many stages to go through and for me you have to be so strong to deal with that which I'm not. I said some pretty nasty things about this and am truly sorry to anyone that may have found them upsetting. Most of the things i post i am not bothered if people don't like them as they are normally just my openness but even i have to agree that i may have been a little bit harsh.

So again i am sorry.

is it soo bad????

Really is it so bad to have a thought to stab the girl at work square in that pregnant bump of hers????? I'm not saying i want to kill her or her child but then she would have a reason not to do anything, she was taken on at work while she was pregnant and she does nothing, she wonders round with the nastiest look on her face that i just want to knock half way back to where she came from, she is doing this knowing she can get away with walking away from her work to talk to her friends as she know nothing can be done about it, you may not remember but i did a post about a pregnancy chair, well she was all for using this chair at first but now the novelty has worn off. The other day my friend at work was sat on it as she hadn't gone to get it, and so when she found out she got her friend to get the chair, but the next day when someone else was sat on it she didn't care, because it was neither me, my mom or my friend that was sat on it. She is getting right on my last nerve, well i think she is getting on every ones last nerve, some times its like she cant even walk to pick up a piece of card she has to get someone else to do it for her, and she is always on these jobs that a 5 year old could do, but where other people have been pregnant there they have done other jobs, bigger jobs, I'm not saying to put her at risk of injury but make her work or send her home so we don't have to see her smarmy face everyday. I so wish i was pregnant at the same time because most of the jobs are no more strenuous than things you would do in everyday life so i would say i would sign a contract saying i will be held responsible if i attempt a job that i cant do and cause myself harm, which i wouldn't push myself.

Ok end of rant and just to let anyone know i am not really going to stab anyone, but in my mind wont hurt anyone.

my 2010

I have just caught up with all the amazing blogs i read and there were 97 posts, it took a while. I love to read this blog which is one of the only uk wedding blogs i could find, today i read that she had read a list of questions all about their experiences in 2010 and so i decided to steal it too, thanks lou i also voted for you too by the way if you are reading this.
1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?
In 2010 i took fertility drugs, they didnt work but i tried.
2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I decided in 2009 i wasnt going to make a resolution for 2010 and just go with whatever happens but for this year i decided i was going to make the most common one which is to lose weight which i have to do to be able to qualify for IVF so i think this one will be kept even if it does take a bit longer than i would like.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Nope, nobody i now that i am that close to did in 2010 which was a good thing as i was going through a bad year and would have probably flipped if they had.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
I wasnt that close to her but an awesome lady at work called glenis died just before the new year, early last year a girl bought in wine for her birthday and glenis had a few and we thought she had a lot more than that as she was very slurry and couldnt focus properly but she was joking about as eveyone thought she had just had one too many, on the monday she didnt come in to work, a few days later we heard she might have had a stroke, turns out she had 3 brain tumors. Her funeral was January and it was so beautiful
5. What countries did you visit?
I didnt visit anywhere last year, I decided that i was going to pay off my debt as soon as i could so i didnt take a holiday
6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
A baby would be nice
7. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
3rd September because this was when i went to pick up my puppy mimi she was so small
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I know it isnt really an achievement for some but i managed to swallow pills which is something i have never been able to do.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Not being able to put myself in a good enough shape to beable to get pregnant
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Just my PCOS and infertility
11. What was the best thing you bought?
My wedding dress at a saving of over £700!!!!!!! And my dog..
12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Dave for standing by me through all of this infertility and having tests done.
13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
i cant think of anyone right now.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Paying off my debt and buying wedding stuff.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
I got so excited about being debt free, i know that may not sound so exciting to some people but to be debt free for me is so surreal as i have been in debt since college.
16. What song will always remind you of 2010?
Bruno Mars - Billionaire

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
(a) happier or sadder? Happier
(b) thinner or fatter? Thinner
(c) richer or poorer? Richer

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Gone out on day trips and out for drinks or lunch with friends.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Eat!!!!

20. How did you spend Christmas?

With the family playing games and eating....a lot...

21. Did you fall in love in 2010?

Yes i did....with Mimi

22. What was your favourite TV programme?

I am so into Disney channel so sonny with a chance and also four weddings.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Ewa!!!!!!

24. What was your greatest musical discovey?

I have to agree with lou on this one it has to be Glee

25. What did you want and get?

I wanted to get my wedding dress and i got it at an awesome price too.

26. What did you want and not get?

A baby.

27. What was your favourite film of this year?

Harry potter, cant wait for part 2

28. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 23 and i went to go ape for my birthday.

29. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

The fertility drugs to have worked so that i dont have to go through major treatment.

30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?

Plain, i dont remember much else than jeans and tops, other then shoes i remember lots of shoes lol

31. What kept you sane?

Knowing that i am going to have to start growing up if i am to go though such treatments so i had to work on who i am and what i really want.

32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Johnny Depp it is, has and always will be, he is just so munchable, lol.

33. What political issue stirred you the most?

That they were thinking of axing all government funded fertility treatment, but will still treat smokers, drinkers and fatties.

34. Who did you miss?

Dunno

35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010?

you really cant judge a book by its cover, just because someone looks fit and healthy that in reality they may not be and not everyone who has fertility treatment are older ladies who decided to have a career first, it can happen to young seemingly healthy couples.

Your email

Someone who may be reading this right now (i don't care if you are i am still going to tell this story and if you don't like it then don't email me and think i will not put it on my private blog) sent me an email yesterday, it wasn't the most pleasant of emails but i read it all a few times and i couldn't believe what she was writing, but i will give you the gist of it all.

First off this person couldn't believe i was deciding to have a baby when i am not married, yea yea i have heard this for the past like 3 years and it has been a decision i have not taken easily. I should be ashamed of myself for having sex before i was married and i must be bringing shame upon my family, if this is the case my situation cannot shame my family more than my my siblings have already done in your eyes with babies out of wedlock and same sex relationships so i doubt that my little sin is going to shame my family that much if everyone Else's hasn't. I also need to stop moaning about my infertility as there are people who are going through so much more, before reading anymore i thought she was going to say people fighting for their countries and people with cancer but no, she was meaning that she was in a worse position than us infertiles because she has lost her job and has to live of her husbands wage, oh deary deary me how ever are you going to cope with not having a job, stop all cancer treatment and turn off all life support as this woman has no job!!!! Yes it is so much more important than a medical condition. You, my dear, should be grateful you have a husband if you speak to him like you spoke to me i would have kicked you to the kerb long ago. Then we have that they hope i never have babies and spend thousands of pounds on treatment as this may teach me a lesson not to be a tramp.....erm excuse me, i have a job unlike you, i am in a committed relationship, we are planning our wedding and i have done all the research i can about any treatment i may need, you keep talking about this plan that is supposed to be lay ed out for me but there is a plan and that plan was for someone to train as a fertility specialist and to give us unwed folk the treatment to have a bastard child. I must add this person also ended with they chose not to have children as we are clogging up the planet with spoiled, dirty, ungrateful, violent criminals and the quicker the human race gets rid of these people the quicker, i am presuming she is talking about me being one that should be wiped out, maybe this woman hasn't had children because her husband cant stand to be in the same room let alone bed as her as everything that comes out of her wide open trap is horse poop. At the end she put she doesn't want my moaning to be blocking up her google reader.....HELLO!!!!! if you don't want it clogging then why are you reading and reading anonymously as you are not letting on who you are. I don't now about other people but my blog is my place to write what i want about what i want and to rant as much as i want,

Bottom line go on keep emailing if you think it is going to make you feel any better because i will just keep slagging you off on my blog blocking up your reader OK.

Rant over.

I found something out....

Well i was reading something the other day (don't ask as i really cannot remember what i was reading otherwise i would tell you) that due to the hormone balance with PCOS ovulation sticks may always read positive....are you kidding me!!!!! so for those months that i thought i was just that little bit normal that i may have been lucky enough to get some of the hormones there for ovulation that even if i peed on the stick while AF was here i would still get a positive. So as usual i am back to knowing that i am 100% abnormal. Just as i thought i was.

I did good

After last week and being told we had been declined funding for IVF i was so upset, i didn't know how to take it. In the end i couldn't get mad at anyone but myself, it was only my weight that was the problem so i decided i was going to knuckle down and do my weight watcher properly.

Well......

That went fine Friday and Saturday till about 4pm when i got really upset watching a movie and so i reached for the ice cream, i ended up eating a whole tub which worked out to be around 12 points worth of ice cream (i only have 33 a day). Then i was back on track on Sunday till about the same time when I'm sure they were putting movies on TV that was going to make me sad so i ate another tub of ice cream. so in 2 days i had eaten 24 points just in ice cream, i felt sick, not from eating the ice cream but from the fact i had to be weighed on the Monday and i would have no other excuse as to why i was putting on weight other than i have like, zero will power. but i went Monday morning and helped set up and was showed what i have to do (i am helping out now as there are quite a few people in the group so i watched what they were doing then went to be weighed, and i will say this now i was waiting for it to say i had put on at least 2 lbs, but i didn't, i had lost....yes that's right i lost 3.5lbs!!!!!!! I was in shock. That makes me 13st 13.5lbs which means i now need to lose just over 7 lbs to be back under 30 BMI and can send off the forms again.

I'm hoping this week will be another good week.

After i shared a big ice cream sundae with my mom today SSSSHHHHH!!!!!!!!

DECLINED!!!!!!!

Yes that's what they said, we were declined because of my weight. My GP rang and sad they had a letter back from the PCT and they are not funding at this time because i am over the criteria. Meaning i still need to lost that 7 lbs or more to make sure i am under 30 bmi. I told my doctor that i would spend a few more weeks with weight watchers and trying extra hard then go back and be weighed on real scales where they slide the weight across as i currently have been weighed on 3 different electronic scales and they all say different. Then we will go back and fill in the forms again. The least they could have done is asked the doctor to bring me in and weigh me then ring them back as on the forms the first time she put my weight but also that i was going to weight watchers so i may have lost all the weight, i don't think i have but they don't know that.

Zita West

Almost as soon as i had processed that we were going to need IVF i went on the search for a book, i wanted to know as much as i could. I was looking for one in particular but waterstones didn't have it but the recommended a book by Zita West, i think most people in the UK who need IVF would have heard of her, she owns and works at her own clinic and in this book she writes about all the aspects she goes through there, including counselling, diet, options and alternative therapies. So i get this book thinking i will have read it in a day or 2, well that was like back when i was told we were in need of IVF which has been months and i am barely half way through. I am trying to give it a go but all the case studies are of ladies in their 30 and above, and there is always little bits that she writes about how older ladies this and older ladies that and at one point, to me, it sounded like she was saying that older people should be given more chance than younger ones, i feel this by a lot of the things that are written like, if a couple are young they may do all the necessary checks then ask them to keep trying a little longer but they would like to advise older ladies to go through the options as they have less time. This really bothered me, i thought this book was going to be an overall and a for instance book not a we don't care about younger ladies until you have waited long enough for you to be a year or 2 from the ages limit. I wanted to read a book about the process and case studies but i don't understand why it is aimed at older ladies and not just to everyone......In the beginning i was looking into her clinic on the Internet if our 1 free try doesn't work or if we want treatment in the future but the further into this book the further away from her i would like to be. I will be finishing the book as it was quite expensive but i am going to see about the book i was originally going to get and check to see if that one is ageist before i buy it. If other people haven't had this problem with her book then good for you but i just found it too patronising to give it a good review.

A sign?????

While at work today i read my horoscope which i don't normally take any notice of but today i think i got a sign, you know when you have one thing on your mind for so long you start to imagine things are there when really they are not, so i just had to take a picture of this one. You know when someone says something is there in black and white but really it could be read in numerous ways, well when you see this there is no reading it a different way.

How much more black and white could you get. Now i have to say before you think this was in some sort of parenting or pregnancy magazine it wasn't just a usual weekly gossip and TV mag. Could it be a sign??????

I am here

I am here.... It feels like forever and a day since i last posted even though it probably wasn't that many days ago, but as i have no 30 day challenge on the go at the moment i am a bit lost as to what to write. We are still waiting on the answer from the PCT about finding so we are still in limbo really. So i have turned my attention to our wedding plans. Last year when people asked when i was getting married they looked at me weird when i said i was getting married in 2012 like it was a million years away, but it doesn't sound so bad now as i can say i get married next year..........it sounds so close.....pop on over to http://mybigdayinprep.blogspot.com/ to check out my new finds.