Mental health sucks

So its obvious by now that i suffer with my mental health. This last week i have gone from being so high to being so low and it gets exhausting.
I went for the work trial that went really well but then i found out the hours and there is just no way i could commit to it. Some shifts were 16 hours!!! Now if it was a few that were that long because i had decided to do overtime or someone was late for a shift then i woukd consider it but not where it woyld be to the point where i would be neglecting my own child and relying on so many people to look after her its wouldnt be fair. So when i received the email offering me the job i turned it down. I had gotten so low in the days after the trial that i questioned everything i was doing. The fact that i was willing to take a job that i wasnt 100% happy with was confusing me. I want to be a nurse and it keeps coming back to me that i work so hard and am consistent with my work and my attendance is near perfect but i am still leaving with no uni placement. I had to have a talk with my tutor on monday as it was really getting to me. I have decided that i will see if there is any placements in clearing for childrens nursing which is doubtful but you never know. Then i will be working with my tutor on making my personal statement the best i can so that as soon as applications open after i get my grades i can reapply and hope for the best. I am going to try and see if i can get some voluntary work at the childrens centre just so i have something on my statement relating to children and not just raising one.

As i am on the subject of raising a child i have had to make a decision that i didnt really want to do. Charlotte has been asking to go to school so i had a think about it and decided to sign the applicatuon form for nursery. I wanted her to be homes schooled as i feel school will not allow her to move forward and advance the way she is at home and i think her development will slow down. She is advanced for her age but i feel she will be held back but if thats what she wants then i have to let her try it.

The good the bad and the anxious

I have officially finished CBT, i have a follow up appointment at the end of the month and i actually feel like i can cope by myself. If someone had told me at Christmas that in the near future i will be able to control my anxiety the way i can i would have laughed in their face. I was concerned that it would take more than a bit of therapy to sort me out but i was proven wrong and im glad i was.

Now for a bit of a moan. I have always had a problem with my dad. In the politest way possible he is a twat. He is lazy, annoying and since i have moved home he has made me feel so uncomfortable. Like i am a burden. I understand when your kids are all grown you may want your house to yourself but my mom saw i was in need when i was made homeless while pregnant and knew the best place for me was at home. I pay my way, i help out and my mom loves having Charlotte here. My dad on the other hand has done everything possible to wind me up. He walks around and expects us to work around him even when i am doing the dishes if he wants to use the sink or have something off the drainer i am expected to move. If Charlotte is in the way she has to move. There has been a few times i have wanted to move out. I would still want to see my mom almost every day but i cant stand living here any more. I am still in college so not really in the position to leave just yet.

On the plus side i went for an interview yesterday and lets just say anxiety was pretty high on my name. I tried my best and by 3pm i had a phone call to say i was successful!!!! I was so pleased with myself. I didnt think i would get it because i was so nervous and i had admitted what had happened at work and the fact i had cbt but the interviewers said they were very pleased i was honest about the work situation and that i had therapy to help me in the situations which could help me understand some of the residents. It will be working as a residential care worker with children/teenagers. I have a trial next friday.

Well i have finally got it all out i can go back to listening to an adult snearing and annoying my child. Might top it off with a nice cold cider and some ice cream.