Few days of roughness

The past few days i have been hiding just how rough i have been feeling, it really hit home just over a week ago when my friend Ruth from America e-mailed me saying she had miscarried a baby at 7 weeks, she has been having trouble getting pregnant too, she is like my cosmic twin in so many ways, being the 4th of 5 children, both with a partner called David, well she had tried a few cycles of clomid but while changing jobs she went on a break, she never went back on it but it turns out she managed to get pregnant naturally but she didn't even find out before she lost it, she really didn't deserve that, she said she was trying to see the positive in it that at least now she knows she is able to do it naturally. Since then i have felt just that little bit worse, i don't know if i am making myself worse but i am always reading in magazines and on the net about people having trouble and alot of people are not successful, i mean i am grateful that we get one funded IVF but when a lot of people have 2,3 and 4 failed treatments, i even looked up the price of private treatment and the average was around £4000, that is a lot of money to gamble with, the only other thing was egg share which came out at around £1000 but the thought of someone having a baby using my eggs bothers me, not the fact that the baby would be biologically mine but the fact that they could have something that i couldn't even get using something of mine. I just really don't know who to talk to, i think i need to talk to another person in real life who knows what i am going through, i know my fiance is there for me but i need a lady, one that will not tell me to relax one that wont say i know what you are going through if they haven't been through it, but i don't know any people like that, i have even been trying to get in touch with my maid of honour the past few weeks but i haven't been able to, she started uni in September and so i know she may be busy but i just need someone. I know i don't want to announce everything to everyone but i think i just need to let it out, i need to scream and cry and yell, i don't think this is a bad thing, its not that i am not ready for any treatment its just its like every week someone i know is either announcing their pregnancy or are having their baby and since most of the people i went to school have had their babies they don't seem to want to know me anymore, its like they are better than me because they could just go out and get pregnant and i can say most of them were not babies that were born into loving relationships, most of them were planned just to get benefits or not planned at all, and i cant even get one when i plan and plot and graph and test and i just don't know how to deal with it anymore. It got to the point where i was keeping track of feelings in my stomach, how many days past heaven knows when and when we BD'ed in my phone if someone had seen it they would have thought i was a crazy woman.